


In an Awful Mess and I Don't Mean Maybe

by louciferish



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: A Zamboni - Freeform, Crack, Drugs, M/M, Madonna - Freeform, Soulmates, The Author Regrets Nothing, Zamboni Roulette 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 10:16:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18313562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louciferish/pseuds/louciferish
Summary: Mind the side-effects if you decide to take performance-enhancing drugs, Yuuri.





	In an Awful Mess and I Don't Mean Maybe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shadhahvar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadhahvar/gifts).



> Written for a crack exchange! My roulette prompt was "the hot new drug, zamboni pierogies". I _cackled_ when I drew Rakel's name on this one because... how appropriate XD I swear I didn't cheat to get that prompt! (although it'd be appropriate if I did)
> 
> Enjoy~

It’s been like, actual years, and Yuuri still hasn’t managed to land a quad lutz. He ratified the quad axel last season, but the lutz is just not cooperating. 

He skates over to the side of the rink after yet another failed attempt, gulping water from his waiting bottle. “I’m never going to get this,” he moans to Yurio, who is texting away on his phone nearby. “I’m never going to be able to compete with Victor’s superiority.”

“You’ve beaten him in your last three competitions,” Yurio grumbles. “Also you have like, four world championships already.”

“Yes, but he has _five_ ,” Yuuri pouts. “You have the lutz - how do you land it?”

“I do a triple and then spin around an extra time,” Yuri says, very helpfully. He sets his phone down for a second. “Also, drugs.”

“NANI???” Yuuri gasps. “But I can’t do DRUGS!!! Those are bad and also cheating!” He pauses to think for half a second. “…What kind of drugs?”

Yuri rustles through his backpack and pulls out a package of brown and red-splattered pills, then hands them to Yuuri. “They’re called Zamboni Pierogies. It’s all the rage.” As soon as Yuuri takes the pack from his hand, Yurio turns back to his phone. 

“Mind the side-effects,” he adds, but Yuuri is already tucking the pills into his jacket pocket and skating away.

-

Yuuri digs through his equipment bag at Worlds looking for the good luck cockring that Victor gave him the other day. He can’t believe he lost it already. It was so romantic, too - Victor had slipped it on his dick as they stood outside a church with a choir singing the best of Queen in the background. Sure, the scene kind of got ruined when the police chased them off, but it was beautiful until then.

Instead, he finds a crumpled foil package at the bottom of his sack. At first he thinks it’s one of the spare emergency condoms that he always brings to the rink, but then he notices the bumps in the packet and remembers Yurio’s gift a couple months ago - the zamboni pierogies. 

Yuuri doesn’t believe in cheating or drugs usually, but he’s in a rush today and also he really wants to win. He’s in third after the short program, which is practically last in a field of 25 skaters.

He pops one of the pills out and tosses it into his mouth, then takes a swig of water.

Yuuri doesn’t feel any different. Yurio was probably lying about the drugs. He’s like twelve -- where would he even get drugs? Yuuri is twice his age and has no idea where to get drugs. He could probably ask Mari, though. She seems like she’d know.

“Yuuuuuuuriiiii!” Victor yells, waving at him enthusiastically. His smile swallows two thirds of his face. He’s skating in only a thong and a pair of delightful nipple tassels, and Yuuri’s been trying not to look at him because it’s very distracting. “Did you notice they just _called your name_?”

Yuuri had not noticed, because he was busy thinking about drugs. Oh no. He took one drug pill and already his brain is a fried egg in the skillet of life. He’s ruined his body forever.

He dashes over to the rink and gets on the ice, then skates out to the center to get into his starting position. The gauzy pink wedding dress he’s wearing trails behind him beautifully. From the boards, Victor screams that he looks like an angel.

Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” begins playing over the loudspeaker, and Yuuri raises his arms.

Suddenly, he feels his spine stretch. There’s an ache in his bones that’s unpleasant but also kind of sexy, like someone sticking their finger in your belly button. 

When the feeling dissipates, Yuuri looks down at his reflection in the ice and realizes he’s been transformed into a beautiful zamboni.

The drugs are working.

Yuuri spins across the ice at a very sexy 3 mph, perfectly in time with his music. He does all the fancy skate moves - the layback Ina Bauer and a very fancy spin or whatever, and also every single quad ever invented except one.

The last jump in his program is the quad lutz, and through the magic of zamboni pierogies, Yuuri executes it perfectly, sweeping his free wheel out behind him as he polishes the ice. 

He finishes his final spin and the audience screams, leaping to their feet in rapture. Johnny Weir begins chanting Yuuri’s name and everyone joins in, even the judges. Albert Einstein is there.

Overwhelmed with joy, Yuuri rushes to the rink exit to find Victor, reaching speeds of nearly 4 mph in his enthusiasm. As he reaches the gate, his bones wobble, and he turns back into a human again. Grabbing his skate guards, Yuuri runs to the kiss and cry.

Next to Victor’s poodle tissue box on the bench is a very noisy swarm of black mosquitos. Yuuri gasps.

From the stands above him, Yurio screams down, “I told you to watch out for the side effects! Zamboni pierogies turn your soulmate into a swarm of mosquitos!” 

“Victor is my soulmate?!” Yuuri tears up. Even though Victor is a cloud of angry little bloodsuckers, Yuuri loves him very much. He wishes they could get married again.

Yuuri sits down on the bench next to Victor-the-swarm-of-mosquitos. Together they wait for Yuuri’s scores, but Yuuri has to sit on his hands because the swarm of mosquitos won’t stop covering Yuuri in itchy, painful little mosquito kisses, and Yuuri doesn’t know what would happen if he accidentally swatted one of the Victor mosquitos.

“The scores for Yuuri Katsuki are… 369.69 for the free skate and a total score of 420.69!!! It’s a new world record!!!”

Yuuri gasps and starts to cry, almost inhaling one of the mosquitos. Just as he’s really wishing he could hug his husband/coach, the swarm of mosquitos turns back into Victor and throws his arms around Yuuri.

“See, my sweet babycakes darling piggy?” Victor coos. “You did it. You don’t need drugs and stuff - the power of victory was inside you all along!!!”

As they begin to sloppily make out on the bench, the announcer comes over the speaker again, “One correction,” he booms. “The winner of this event is Yuri Plisetsky! Yuuri Katsuki has been disqualified for turning into a zamboni, and Victor Nikiforov is also disqualified for being a nasty, dirty boy.”

Yuuri and Victor are too busy slobbering on each other’s faces and groping to care, and Yuuri realizes suddenly that the real drugs are the people we meet along the way.


End file.
